


Messed up

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-05
Updated: 2009-03-05
Packaged: 2019-01-19 22:26:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12419538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Maybe I was just a kind of screwed up...ya that was probably it.****PLEASE R&R, DON"T OWN HARRY POTTER, STORY USED TO BE CALLED TOGETHER, AND HAD A DIFFERENT SUMMARY BUT IT WAS CHEESY SO I CHANGED IT :p ****





	Messed up

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

“Lily Evans! Get your skinny little arse out of the bathroom before I come in there and get you out myself!”  Alice screamed, I ignored her as I washed my face quickly with cold water and dried it with the towel on the corner of my sink. My face was pale, the color of fresh snow and my eyes were bright green and sparkly. I got told I was beautiful far too much, I wasn’t…Striking maybe, but I wasn’t beautiful like Mary. I didn’t have twinkling blue eyes and long shiny blonde hair of Ms. Macdonald, I was simply exotic and different looking.  Alice was cute and happy, like a round faced pixie…Mary was beautiful and innocent looking…none of us were innocent acting, but that was beside the point. 

I took one last look in the mirror, pushing my red curls away from my face and straightening the gold dress that hung on to all my curves. My nails were polished and sharp as I pulled open the door to my bathroom to find Alice and Mary sitting on my bed laughing and chatting.  Alice ’s short hair was spiky tonight and her eyes bore dark, smoky eye shadow she grinned at me and hopped off the bed.

“Took you long enough!” she chimed, pulling her black halter top straight against her jeans so that even more cleavage showed. Mary smiled, as she slid off the bed and said.

“Let’s get going shall we?” 

The three of us made our way down the stairs of the girl’s dormitory, it was late, and the moon filtered through the windows and cast a silvery glow around the common room. A couple of the fifth, sixth and seventh years were waiting around for friends to join them to make their way to the party. 

It was early September and so the grounds were warm as we made our way outside, laughing and chatting as we walked quickly to the Quiditch pitch. There was a party there every year, about four times a year. This was the first one of the year and the girls and I were more than excited.

Alice had Frank, so she had a man… But Mary and I had gotten lonelier and lonelier since the summer had ended, we needed to have some fun.

“I was thinking…Black” Mary said, flipping her blonde hair in the moonlight and dancing in her black flats and short skirt. 

“Seriously Mary? Why don’t you just date him?” I asked “You two hook up like every two months, and _love_ it.” 

“But he hooks up with a whole lot of other girls that often, and I do the same with a whole lot of guys so really there would be no point.” Mary explained matter of factly, Alice and I laughed just as Sirius and James came running up behind us. Sirius grabbed Alice from behind and lifter her into the air as James wrapped an arm around Mary’s waist.  Alice squealed and Sirius dropped her to the ground.

“Hey ladies.” Remus smiled as he walked at a slower pace wrapping an arm around my waist and leaning against my shoulders. 

“Hello boys.” I giggled, wrapping my arm around Remus’s shoulder as James and Mary skipped ahead chatting about their summers and laughing. Peter was far behind us talking to a short Hufflepuff girl, it was good to be back at school. 

The party was in full swing by the time we arrived on the pitch, music blaring but silenced the moment you were not inside the pitch. Hogwarts sure knew how to throw a party, even some Slytherins were there enjoying music and dancing. It was a couple of hours into the festivities when I decided to stop my idle socializing and look for a dance, kiss, maybe more…Mary and Sirius were pressed together in a corner, arms wrapped around each other and speaking in whispers.  Alice had found Frank and the two of them were dancing and kissing in the middle of the pitch.I surveyed the pitch, there was Carlton Smith, he was good looking, although a bit arrogant. I considered Remus Lupin but that could be awkward, he and James were so close. Besides I could see him dancing with a six year from Ravenclaw, there bodies close as they swayed to the music. Peter and the Hufflepuff girl had disappeared from the pitch a long while ago, and I tried not to think about what they were doing. James Potter was standing talking to a couple of girls in Ravenclaw and they were both watching him with the expression a tiger gives its prey. 

Then I spotted Bertram Aubrey, seventh year, Hufflepuff, blonde and blue eyed. Sirius and James would never let me live it down; they were no fan of his. I didn’t blame them really, he was quite dull and a bit of a pretty boy. But that was just it…he was pretty. That was all I needed, someone good looking for me to have a goodtime with tonight.  Alice didn’t approve of Mary and my little adventures; she thought sex should be a big deal. In a whole lot of ways I agreed with her, I always found I hated myself a bit after one of my escapades, but there was a validation in it that was like a drug for me. Maybe I was just really screwed up, that was probably it… 

**** 

“Evans you’re not leaving, are you?” whispered a groggy, drunken voice. I ignored it for a moment while I looked for my left sandal. 

“Ya, sorry Bertram, but I’ve got to get back to my dormitory before morning.” I said in muted tones, snatching my shoe from underneath his shirt “I’ll catch you later.” And with that I took off, sneaking through the Hufflepuff common room and into the hallway. 

Alice still wasn’t back when I got in and Mary was sitting near the window in her pajamas writing in her battered brown notebook. I stood, as quietly as possible in the doorway, just watching her write. Her face was more beautiful when she wrote, she was so at peace when she put her thoughts on paper. I was always jealous, because the only thing that had ever made me feel so at peace…I blocked out the idea. 

“Evening doll face.” Mary smiled, looking up at me from her perch on the moon drenched sill. In the lighting her face and hair had a silvery, Veela like, tinge to it. 

“Morning actually” I corrected, checking my watch “Did you and Black have a good time tonight?” Mary just giggled. “Did you hook up?”I asked, another giggle “Where?” 

“The erm…The common room, in your favourite chair…” I stared at her.

“I don’t even….Why my chair?” she giggled again, so I glared at her and stalked off into the bathroom to take a shower before bed. 

The showers hot water was soothing, and seemed to wash away the sickly feeling I felt on my skin. Bertram Aubrey had been good…but a bad idea. I had begun to feel guilty as he kissed me, held me, and I didn’t know why… Guilt wasn’t fare, I should not feel guilty. Sickened with myself maybe, angry at myself, but guilt? The odd thing was that the whole time I’d thought of James. But I didn’t feel about James the way he felt for me, he was my friend. It was probably just that he felt that way, I felt bad, which was true, everytime I saw him look at me like he cared I wished I could love him the way he wanted me to. But it was too much, and I didn’t want a relationship because…he could hurt me if I loved him. That was what I was really afraid of, after everything with… _him_ …I couldn’t even think his name, I would never love James. I felt tears sting my eyes in the hot shower and I shook slightly as I leaned against the cool tile and sobbed. I cried about Aubrey, and the last of the sickly feeling that stuck to my skin and wouldn’t let go. Then I cried about what had happened, and how- again I couldn’t think his name- had hurt me and now I was so messed up! I glared at the falling water, as it slapped and soaked my face and I cried still, about everything that had gone wrong, about my sister and then about Severus Snape. I cried until the water ran cold and I was huddled on the shower floor, my red hair wet and dripping like strings of melting liquorish. Finally, the sobbing stopped and I picked myself up off the ground. 

When I was dressed in pajamas I padded out, barefoot, from the bathroom and into the dorm. Mary was snoring and  Alice was still nowhere in sight, I sighed and slipped out the door and downstairs. The common room was darker now, the moon hidden behind the clouds, so there was no silver glow to it. A dim, brassy swell of light coming from dying fire lit the room in an eerily warm and sleepy bask. The cool feel of stone under my toes made me miss my socks or slippers and I almost turned back to get them, only I didn’t. Instead, I jumped the last couple of steps and dropped onto the couch, avoiding my favorite chair. The common room was warm and drowsy as usual and I closed my eyes, wondering if sleep would finally come. 

“You’re up early.” A voice noted softly, I turned and found that James was sitting in my chair, a bemused expression on his face. “I thought you liked to sleep in.” 

“I’m up late actually.” I corrected, patting the place next to me on the sofa “Mary and Padfoot used that chair earlier…” James hopped gingerly from the velvet armchair and dropped down next to me, running a hand through his hair. We sat in a deep silence for a moment, only the soft gurgles of the dying fire breaking through the concrete quiet. James looked thoughtful, I couldn’t see his eyes because of the slight glow around his spectacles so I couldn’t be sure…but the way his mouth was set, I had the feeling he was trying to figure something out. Probably trying to figure me out. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked finally, I knew he’d been thinking about me…

“Who says anything’s wrong?” I asked, trying to keep my tone joking, he didn’t smile.

“You don’t have to tell me, but don’t lie…I actually know you Lils.” 

I sighed and leaned against his shoulder.

“I hate it when you do that…” I muttered, he chuckled softly

“I know…I know you do.” For a moment I sat like this, staring at the embers of the finally dead flame. We were in total darkness a few moments later, my eyes seemed unable to adjust to the blackness so I sat blinded, listening to his heart. 


End file.
